Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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