I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
