I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
why do cheetos always look like penises
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
