Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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