in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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