don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I take back everything I said about communal showers
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
