I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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