Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
