I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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