She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
