I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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