Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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