So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
