i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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