He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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