He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
