I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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