my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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