One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Even my vagina gasped.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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