They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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