She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
