wrigley field is MILF paradise
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
