you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
