just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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