Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
