HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
