I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
