Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
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She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
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I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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