Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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