I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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