I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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