my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
