please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
