dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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