can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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