everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
