he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
