It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
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