She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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