i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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