my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
