I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I am available for nakedness
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
