Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
