The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
