i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
