just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
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