I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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