Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
