Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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