My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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