Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
