the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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