I hate your face
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Someone shattered a urinal.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
