Me. At least after what I've been through.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Randomize
