I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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