I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
