last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
