he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
